Staples and Stapling
Who would have thought that in 1200AD, the introduction of sheets of paper, rather than the more retro scroll design, would have led to the invention of what we now see as a kind of proto-staple. It was a ribbon, fed through two holes in the paper, and waxed tight, to keep the leaves together. Marvellous, I hear you cry, surely the modern low-effort top-loading stapler counldn't be far behind. Well, in fact it was (1930s in case you care), and the design of your average stapler took many a twist and turn throughout its development before arriving at the kind we see today. But what this has really led up to is the underground stapling counter-culture rampant in today's office lifestyle. There are people today who can spend a third of their waking life doing little more than inserting and serting staples into various pieces of paper. And thus a new entertainment enterprise, a new means of amusement for the bored white-collared wage-slave and a new thing. Or something.
So I thought maybe I'd guide you through the basics of stapling, so if you ever find yourself immersed in a stapling culture, you can join in without fear of looking ignorant and foolish.
Stapling
Now putting staples into paper is the simple bit. Everyone can do that, I have trained monkeys that can staple paper. I've seen automated staplers. I've seen automated stapler production lines, churning out endlessly stapled bits of paper. But the rules are thus.
Rule one: Don't slam your hand onto the stapler. It seldom helps. If the wadge of paper is too thick, don't even try. Safety first kids! A good rules of thumb is about 20-25 sheets MAX. Don't overstrain your stapler, or you'll be replacing it.
Rule two: Apply an even force throughout the stapling manouver. This will ensure you get a satisfying click as the paper is dually pierced, and the follow-on clunk as the arms of the staple bend simultaneously into place around the back of the paper. Nice.
That's about it for rules, staping is a fairly fancy-free endeavour, but remember, safety first, don't point your stapler at people, or animals, or anywhere in fact, other than the paper or other staplable, [b]non-living[/b] thing. Oh yeah, and don't leave disgarded staples lying around on the floor. If your shot goes wayward, pick the staple up, whether it's clenched or open, unused or used.
Oddly enough, some of the most beautiful moments I have had with staples have been the times when I've broken these basic rules. Trying to crunch paper bundles of 30+ leaves, and you can end up with truly mashed staples, and excess force generally leads to either a flat staple, or a McDonalds staple. What I most enjoy about such things is that every wasted staple is unique. Every stapling act that didn't quite go right produces a unique child of twisted metal, of similar form, but subtly different to its kindred. Try it out. It's art!
Unstapling (or "removing staples safely and carefully")
Also, I find this slightly exciting, though it could just be incomparison to the rest of my day. Here is the true art of the Stapler. And the tool for this task is the Staple Remover. Doesn't it sound imposing. Not, I'll grant you, as imposing as "Eraser", but better than "Sharpener" or "Protractor". Anyway, I call it the Destaplifier, for effect. I also fake a staple fetish, and moan lightly for two minutes every time I remove a staple. Then visit the toilet.
Have you ever put your ear to a destaplifier as you destaplify the staples? You should. The sound made by the slightly squeaky spring in a destaplifier is second to none in terms of man-made sounds. Nothing else achieved by man's fair[ly grubby] hand has ever rivalled the spring in terms of sheer auditory temptingness.
The important things to remember when destaplifying are these:
- Slow! Go slowly! Excess speed will ruin the paper, and probably the staple as well. I've had staples snap off in my destaplifier because I've been too hasty or too forceful with them.
- Speaking of which, sofly softly you must pull the staple from the paper. Imagine you are dewhelkifying a whelk shell. You do it gently, so as not to alarm the whelk, or break the shell.
The ideal way to pull out a staple is thus:
Insert the destaplifier under the staple. This is not the simple matter it may seem to be. Let's examine the destaplifier. It consists of two jaws, which for the sake of contrariness, I will call mandibles. One of these, you will note, has teeth set slightly wider apart than those teeth on the other mandible. These wider-apart teeth are the onse you want to place in first. There are two reasons for this.
Firstly, it is because of the way the staple is made. Examine a crushed staple. It has two large gaos into which you can insert your destaplifier's teeth, but these are at the edges. Clearly the edge-teeth must go in first. The close-together teeth will have no gap to go into, and much scraping will occur, damaging the paper unnecessarily.
The second reason is to do with the make-up of the destaplifier. The destaplifier is designed so that if the close-together teeth go in second, the staple is pulled onto the lower mandible, and remains fixed there for ease of binnage, should binnage be your customary way to complete the act of destaplifying.
If the close-together teeth go in first, much pingage can occur after the staple has been removed, and all kinds of metallic mayhem can break loose.
If the wide-apart teeth do not easily slide under the limbo-bar-like staple, you may wish to ease things along a bit by bending the staple gently backwards, ie. clench it more firmly, which opens the gaps, and also the middle as well.
So, I shall assume you have managed this task successfully. Once you have reached this stage, you are ready to bring the other mandible into play. Slowly close the mandibles with your thumb and forefinger, increasing pressure ever so gently until the close-teeth are under the staple as well. Now as best you can, centre the destaplifier under the staple, and close the mandibles, thus sliding the staple up the narrower mandible into the centre of the destaplifier. If one arm of the staple should come out of the paper farther than its twin, you can use one pair of teeth (left or right, not top or bottom) to pull the offending side out a little further. If you get the balance precisely right, one final tug, with minimum of force, and the staple should slide out of both holes simultaneously, leaving you with a symmetrical secondary (used) staple, as shown above. If one arm comes out first, do not fear, simply wrench the other one out with a quick snap of the wrist. This will leave you with an asymmetric secondary staple, but no matter. It will do. Nobody is perfect every time.
The Casual Stapler
It is possible to make every letter out of the alphabet diagrammatically, using just two staplers. However, it is not a good idea to fiddle idly with staplers while conversing, because odds are you'll put a stapel right through your thumb, and people'll laugh, and you'll get pissed off and stuff. Bad Things.
So anyway! Congratulations, you have learnt the fine art of stapling and destapling. Go out and spread the word! Hoorah!
close
Appendix:
Clenched Staple
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(/\)
Open Staple
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Asymmetric Secondary Staple
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[ )
Symmetric Secondary Staple
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( )
'Mashed' Staple
&_}
'McDonalds' Staple
/'--'\
Flat Staple
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